I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
