Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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