it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
