call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
