At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
