theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
