Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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