I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
