Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
