I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
