Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Say something about gay babies.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my shit smells like andre
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
