If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
