bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
