Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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