i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
