some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
