I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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