Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
