Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
