Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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