I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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