I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
