i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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