I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
