I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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