my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
