I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
