i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
