i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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