so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
