I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
