dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
