I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
