Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
