Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
