Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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