Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
