is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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