TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
