I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
