You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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