just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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