2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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