her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
