i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
