kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
