I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
