Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
