I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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