i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
