i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
